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Sheltering-in-Place: Day 13

Image of the same woman twice. She's both falling and standing forcefully with a fist raised. The text on the image reads, I don't know how I would have reacted to this situation years ago, before my nerves were shot and before depression won. I only get to know how I'm handling it now.

The text on the image reads

It’s mask o’clock over here, and this is roughly how it went. I held the panic back. Mostly. Outside-Sarah is strong. Inside-Sarah is loud.

My husband and I have lived in some places where air quality was an issue off and on. So, a while back, he bought us reusable masks. Today was the first time I wore mine outside.

I don't know how I would have reacted to this situation years ago, before my nerves were shot and before depression won. I only get to know how I'm handling it now. Some parts of this coronavirus-pandemic-staying-at-home-thing are not so bad. For instance, I like my husband—in addition to loving him. So, having him home all the time is pretty cool. Other parts are varyingly stressful, frustrating, demoralizing (Am I being dramatic?), or just plain sad. For instance, it's hard to not be able to be physically present for family and friends when things go wrong for them. It seems like things are going wrong for a lot of families and friends, and they (we) all have to weather it mostly alone. How the hell are we going to do that?

Putting on the mask today made me feel safer and more vulnerable at the same time. It isn't mandatory to wear a mask in my county or state yet, but the writing is on the wall... or the internet, I guess. I remember powering through the harder things in my life—volunteering for hard jobs or tasks—purposely putting myself into situations where I wasn't quite comfortable so that I could learn. I tried to do that today when I went on my little mission. Parts of it felt awful, but that's progress.

Addendum about the clothes that I forgot to write:

Outside-Sarah's clothes, for lack of a better descriptor right now, is what I wore outside: comfy shoes I can run in if attacked by zombies, of course; a second hand polkadot skirt because polkadots; my supposedly-glow-in-the-dark bat cardigan (no successful tests yet); masky goodness; and very contained piggy-loops instead of piggy-tails today. 

Inside-Sarah's clothes are what I spent most of the day in, calming down, chilling out, drawing, and thinking: my all purpose orange dress; my dragon patterned robe (they're in circles and stretched long), and loose hair. The mask did not stay on in reality, but, it feels like such a part of my future, that I kept it in both drawings.